Family jokes
Why do all orphans get iPhone X's?
There isn't a home button.
Why do orphans hate baseball so much?
Because they can't run home.
Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
He can't run home.
Molly Burke and her mom were on a walk. Molly walked into a bar; her mom laughed and walked under it.
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
Your momma's so fat, when I went to suck her titties, I got a mouth full of knee.
What did the knight say to his younger brother? "Good night."
You expected a silly pun there, didn't you? That's pretty rude. It makes light of the struggles of being a knight. Especially a good knight.
Why can't orphans have a girlfriend?
They have no one to call "daddy."
Me: Knock knock.
My Grandma: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
My Grandma: Interrupting c-
[Dies from heart attack]
What’s an orphan’s least favorite drink?
Milk, because his parents never came back with it.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
My grandma just died from cancer.
My last words to her were “I like your cut, G.”
I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.
Why is it OK to hit an orphan?
Because they can’t tell their parents.
My great grandfather died in 9/11.
He was an amazing pilot.
Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?
Ok, ok, who is trying to be my "long lost brother"? Because last time I checked, I didn't have any sisters or brothers, so stop trying to steal my fame from me and give up. A lot of other people already know you are fake, so get off this website OR JUST STOP!!!