Family jokes

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

You know why orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their parents.

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

Me: But Billy's with her right now.

Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

Do you know why orphans can't get married? Because they will never get their parents' blessing.

Mom: Can I tell you a joke?

Kid: Sure.

Mom: Knock knock.

Kid: Who's there?

Mom: Not yo.

Kid: Not yo who?

Mom: Not yo father.

Kid: Not yo husband either.

Guys, stop telling orphan jokes, soon they're gonna tell they're par... oh wait, never mind, carry on.

I made an orphan website. It does not have a home page.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple gets picked.

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."

Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?

Father Christmas left them.

Orphans can get away with anything really bad at school, because they can't be sent home for it.

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Why can't an orphan play basketball?

Because no one will be cheering them on.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.