Family jokes

Your nan's bald.

I was happy to find I could get a passing grade in all my subjects if I had sex with my teacher, until I remembered I'm home schooled.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

My sister's name was Philma. We were unfortunate enough to have the last name Coochie. Let's just say no more virgins were at that school.

Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?

Because she made her dad mad.

I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

Ur mom fat lol.

What do you call a funny family of chairs? A sitcom!

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

You know why orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their parents.

Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

Me: But Billy's with her right now.

Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

Why do people always talk about nine eleven???

My dad died that day.

He was a good pilot.

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

Q: Why can't orphans be gay?

A: They have no one to call "daddy."

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

Orphans can get away with anything really bad at school, because they can't be sent home for it.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."