Family jokes

So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Or is she asking her son, "Do you know Newton?"

The boy said, "No, I don't know."

She said to him, "If you had paid attention to your lessons, you would have known him!"

The boy said, "Ok, do you know Ikhlod?"

She said to him, "No, who is she?"

He said to her, "If you had paid attention to your husband, you would have known her."

The important thing is that the boy is currently a week with his uncles and a week with his turbans.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

What do orphans have in common with mute children?

They can't talk to their parents.

Your nan's bald.

Yo mama so stupid that she farted on yo face for no reason.

Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.

What's the difference between herpes and my dad?

Herpes stays around.

I was happy to find I could get a passing grade in all my subjects if I had sex with my teacher, until I remembered I'm home schooled.

Why couldn’t the orphan find home?

Didn’t have eyes.

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?

Lego, so he can build a home.

Why didn't the orphan cross the road? Where was he gonna go?

Why can't an orphan make a YouTube channel?

'Cause they can't make it family friendly.

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.