Family jokes

Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.

What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?

Lego, so he can build a home.

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

Why didn't the orphan cross the road? Where was he gonna go?

Why can't an orphan make a YouTube channel?

'Cause they can't make it family friendly.

My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

Your nan's bald.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

Hi! This is a good prank I did! Okay, my sister has this crush and his name is Braylon. So, he texted my sister saying he wants to hang out with her, which I think means date. So anyway, I did this. My text said, "Hi Braylon, I can't hang out today... or the other day because I have homework, so please no hang out!" This is super wrong, but funny! Braylon texted back and said, "Fine, I can help." And I texted back and said, "Oh, will come here around 10:00." And my sister did not know he was coming... She was so embarrassed, she was still in her nightgown! HAHAHAH. O to the k, bye, that's the prankster!!!!

Ur mom fat lol.

My sister's name was Philma. We were unfortunate enough to have the last name Coochie. Let's just say no more virgins were at that school.

Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?

Because she made her dad mad.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

What do you call a funny family of chairs? A sitcom!

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

Me: But Billy's with her right now.

Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

You know why orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their parents.