Family jokes

I made an orphan website. It does not have a home page.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

Orphans can get away with anything really bad at school, because they can't be sent home for it.

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

Do you know why orphans can't get married? Because they will never get their parents' blessing.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?

Father Christmas left them.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."

Why did the orphan cry when the teacher yelled at him?

Because the teacher said, "Don't make me call your parents!"

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple gets picked.

If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Why can't an orphan play basketball?

Because no one will be cheering them on.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One of them gets picked.

Why did the orphan play GTA? Because he wanted to feel the wanted level.