Family jokes

My sister's name was Philma. We were unfortunate enough to have the last name Coochie. Let's just say no more virgins were at that school.

Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?

Because she made her dad mad.

Ur mom fat lol.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

What do you call a funny family of chairs? A sitcom!

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

Me: But Billy's with her right now.

Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

You know why orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their parents.

Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.

What type of cake can orphans not have?

Homemade.

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.

When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

Q. There were two sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named?

A. Denephew.

Q: Why can't orphans be gay?

A: They have no one to call "daddy."