Family Jokes

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

Cousins on the streets means lovers in the sheets. 😂👀

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

During a phone call:

"Hey, is Michael Jackson in Miami with his manager?"

"Actually, he's off to Tampa with the kids."

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair. So, she told her sister, and her sister said that ain't nothing, mine's already eating bananas.

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

Screw sister from a mister or brother from another mother. We besties from another testie.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents as an example.

What does your mom and a slinky have in common?

They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.

Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."

People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."

Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.