Family Jokes

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Why did the orphan commit a bank robbery?

So he could be wanted.

My sister keeps cursing... so I made fun of her... "fuk fuk fuk fuk fuk fuk fuk fuk", fowl language is for chickens!

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.

Anakin Skywalker looks upset, with the text: "When your Mom & Dad tell you to stop jumping on your bed but you hear their bed squeaking at 2am. It's not fair!"

I have an auntie who has no arms and no legs. She is my dad's half sister.

Why are orphans bad at baseball? Because they can't go home.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom.

So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Or is she asking her son, "Do you know Newton?"

The boy said, "No, I don't know."

She said to him, "If you had paid attention to your lessons, you would have known him!"

The boy said, "Ok, do you know Ikhlod?"

She said to him, "No, who is she?"

He said to her, "If you had paid attention to your husband, you would have known her."

The important thing is that the boy is currently a week with his uncles and a week with his turbans.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?