Family jokes

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house looks like.

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.

Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."

Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"

Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."

Orphan: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

Why does an orphan hate the ending of Finding Nemo?

Nemo goes back to his father.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

What’s worse than finger banging your sister?

Finding your dad’s wedding ring.

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?

Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...

Son: Am I kidnapped?

Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.