Family jokes
Roses are red, violets are violet,
My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot!
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.
My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.
Why are orphans different from apples?
Apples get picked.
What happens to an orphan that gets on house arrest?
They get set free.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
They can't go home.
What do you call an orphan's family reunion?
Me time.
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?
Why can't orphans play soccer?
They can't kick.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they can't go home.
Guess why orphans can't be gay? Cause they have no one to call Daddy.
How do crabs honor their mom’s birthday? The shell-abrate.
A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.
The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.
A boy walks into the bedroom and sees mom and dad having sex. The boy says, "What are you doing?"
"Baking a cake."
The next day he walked up to his mom doing dishes.
"Remember when you were making a cake? I LICKED UP ALL THE FROSTING."
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
I was at the club and then my dad walked up and said, "You're 15, why are you high and at the club?" So I ran. Then my uncle was at the car and took me home, so I was grounded. Then my boyfriend came because my parents went out and we had sex and we were very loud. My dad came home and walked in. He had my boyfriend pin me against the wall so my dad could spank me.
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.
Why do orphans have criminal records?
So they can be wanted.