Family jokes

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.

I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can’t get a home run.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

What foods are orphans allergic to? Homemade food.

Roses are red,

Potatoes are brown,

Your mom's so hot,

I put her down.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

I figure it's ok to hit orphans.

What are they gonna do? Go tell their parents?

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

What’s an orphan’s favorite beer?

Fosters.

What's the difference between an apple tree and an orphan? The apples get picked.

How are you and an orphan similar?

Both of your fathers are invisible.

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They can't find home.

What do Spider-Man and orphans have in common?

There’s no way home.