Family jokes
What do tampons and your sister have in common?
My dad told me I'm a failure.
I failed a math test.
Good thing there's a pole outside my house.
What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?
I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.
After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.
The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Your hairline goes so far back your mom can't even reach it.
What foods are orphans allergic to? Homemade food.
Where do orphans shop for home appliances?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
Why can’t orphans be criminals?
Because they’re not wanted!
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.
The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"
Me: Hey, are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: Your parents.
What do you call an orphan?
Homeless.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Cause they can't go to home base. 😈
Friend: Hey, wanna race home?
Orphan: What home?
Your hairline went back faster than your adoption papers!
Bored? Punch an orphan! Who are they gonna tell, their parents?