Family jokes
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.
Why do orphans hate health ed at school?
Their parents can't opt them out of it.
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
What’s the only advantage of being an orphan?
Nobody makes jokes about yo mamma.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Why does an orphan use water for his cereal?
He is waiting for his dad with the milk.
My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.
Your mom said, "Can you get to the dick game?"
Why did the orphan go to church?
Because they need a father.