Family

Family Jokes

Poodle

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

Grandma

I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"

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  • Knock

    Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

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  • Yo mama

    Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

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  • Baby

    There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

    "I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

    "I want to be a hunter."

    "Why?" the other babies ask.

    "I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

    Friend

    My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

    Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

    Cancer

    My wife was going to have an abortion and I have cancer.

    Ha Ha Ha

    I thought it was funny.

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  • Grandma

    Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

    Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

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  • Hitler

    So, apparently, Hitler's dad was quite the abusive fellow, always beating his son.

    Guess that's why he's called (Hit)ler.

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  • Llama

    My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

    He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

    Sex

    A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

    Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

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  • Boy

    A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."

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  • Diarrhea

    Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.

    Porsche

    What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

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