Family jokes
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.
Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.
Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.
Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?
A pap smear.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
Your momma is so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.