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Family jokes

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"

Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.

Why can't the orphan take a family photo?

Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.

I said, "Are you half left or half right?"

"Neither! In-between."

"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"

"Your pussy is sweeter than Mom's," Brother admired his sister.

"I know," replied Sister. "Father told me too."

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    • A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

    The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

    The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

    I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

    My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

    I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

    My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

    She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

    "It didn't work out."

    She told me to be more specific, so I said,

    "I just told you, she didn't exercise."

    What's the difference between milk and my dad?

    Nothing, I apparently am allergic to both because I never see either of them.