Family jokes
Yo Momma so hairy, she has to shampoo her armpits.
I think my family is racist.
I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
I think one of my dads might be gay.
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?
A: Cum on your cousin's face.
What’s the worst thing about having a sister with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.
What's an orphan's least favorite T.V. show?
Family Guy.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they don’t know what a home looks like.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.
Why can't the orphan take a family photo?
Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.
Once you've had the mother,
Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.
Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.
I said, "Are you half left or half right?"
"Neither! In-between."
"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"