Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says, “Go and lock the door first...”
Expectation Jokes
Reminder: Check the fridge, but remember nothing's in there.
Women be like, "Men's heights," then cry when they get called fat...
Women be like I don't wear makeup for men.
Then get mad when a man doesn't compliment her in her makeup!
I’m like an escalator; I always let people down.
"Bully," omg, that girl is so ugly.
"Me," Wait, what...ever.
Mom: “Guess where I’m taking you, son!”
Son: “To the playground?”
Mom: “No, to the morgue.”
My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.
My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?
Gwen, I thought you would be with me if Prince broke up with you... :((((((
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, I'm just a burden.
Did you know your dad was a magician? He disappeared the second he saw your ugly ass face!
Mbu some guys look financially stable until you start dating them... Mbu wait I see how this week goes...🤔
Say "joke" 5 times.
Oh, nothing happened.
Leo might not be the dumbest person in the world... but she’d better hope they don’t DIE!
I asked a girl I met if I could take her out to dinner.
The joke is I knew right after she said, "I'll call you," she was lying to me, not surprised even a little.
The next joke was a part of me hoped she would call, but did I really think she was going to? I'll never be good enough for anyone, what was I thinking, why did I even bother to ask her in the first place? I think it was just to prove I was right, I'm unwanted.
LONELINESS EQUALS SADNESS.
I bet when your mom first saw you, she said, "Oh my god, this ain't my child. My child would look amazing."
What’s 12 inch long, purple, and makes women scream??
Cot death!
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be expect bagels.
Wife: Hi babe. Husband: Hey. Wife: Do you wanna? Husband: YES! Wife: Ok, make sure you have a towel to go to the beach. Husband: WHAT? You mean go to the beach? Wife: Yes, what did you think I meant? Husband: Oh, nothing, bye. Wife: Bye, see you there.