Existence jokes

Your dad? Oh wait, you don’t have that!

Where has God existed outside of a man's awareness of him?

I took a sip of water.

Life is beautiful, but you are ugly.

People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.

Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

Abdi and Tunde are real.

I am the worst joke ever. Get it? My whole life is a joke.

Hi, my name isn't Pi.

Look up at the sky and wonder why.

Why are you alive?

Louie's parents tried this.

These jokes make me want to die.

Gay orphans don't exist cuz they have no one to call "daddy," and lesbian orphans don't exist cuz they have no one to call "mommy."

What’s the difference between a Canadian and a unicorn?

Nothing, they’re both mythical creatures.

In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.

Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.

A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.

I was about to joke about your life, but I think your life is already a joke.

What did a bee who was interested in philosophy say?

"To bee or not to bee."

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Dark humor is like water. It exists.

If the noose breaks, stab yourself!

If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!

If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*

Here's a joke: Your life decisions.