Hi, my name isn't Pi.
Look up at the sky and wonder why.
Why are you alive?
I am the worst joke ever. Get it? My whole life is a joke.
What’s the difference between a Canadian and a unicorn?
Nothing, they’re both mythical creatures.
Gay orphans don't exist cuz they have no one to call "daddy," and lesbian orphans don't exist cuz they have no one to call "mommy."
Dark humor is like water. It exists.
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
What do sexists and WNBA fans have in common?
There's enough of them to acknowledge their existence.
Why don't you have a life?
Because you're ugly.
There are millions of people in the world, yet you are here.
Brits don't exist. Mummies can't have kids.
Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.
God: *SILENCE*
Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!
God: *SILENCE*
Yo life got no meaning, just like your dad when he left. Like if it's a good one.
Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.
Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.
Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.
Conclusion: Therefore he exists.
You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.
My life.
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.
What does a "Smart Russian" and a "Unicorn" have in common?
Answer: Non-existence!
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
What did a bee who was interested in philosophy say?
"To bee or not to bee."
Me before: Why do bandanas exist? They're ugly.
Me after seeing your hairline: Oh, I seeee.
Me giving pro tip: Get a bandana LMAO.
Hi, are you even my sister?
Yes, I am.
No, you're not, because you never even existed as my sister.
