“Did everyone see that because i will not be doing it again..”
-Captain Jack Sparrow
Yo mama so fat that when she tried to get on the train, it said, "Weight limit passed, everyone get off!"
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
How do you get a party started in Africa?
You put a slice of bread on the ceiling and everyone will be jumping.
Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.
Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.
I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)
There's nothing stronger than love, except for an M32 Rotary Grenade Launcher because fuck you and everyone near you.
1273 please kill me, everyone hates me.
What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?
When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.
"Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because everyone’s dying to get in."
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.
I just cut everyone.
Why are Americans stupid? They shoot everyone that goes to school.
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
