Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
"Did you go to the biscuit eating championship?"
"Yea, it was crackers!"
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Where did Sally go during the bombings? Everywhere!
Why didn’t the parents bother looking for her? Because she was in the front and back yard in small chunks! 😂
One day I'm walking and I saw Josh B. He's sucking balls and Marco jump[s], and we got [an] earthquake, and I say, "Yamate."
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite holiday? 4th of July when they set off fireworks.
You can't spell "Funeral" without "fun."
A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.
Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
What hit the ground first in 9/11? The people.
What do you call a Lesbian at a Barbecue? A LGBBQ.
Why is it so hard to make a party on Earth?
Because you need to planet.
Did y'all ever hear about the great thunder crash of September 11th?
A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!
Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?
Because Sally wrote the invitations!
What do gingers miss most at a grate party
The invitation
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
