English Jokes

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Today in 3rd grade english the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take ur clothes off?" Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "you can't ask that." The english teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired." Finally Little Tim raises his hand, "the shower ma'am." The english teacher clapped her hands, "good job Tim and as for you Elsa you do not have the body for that."

Why can’t English people play chess? They ain't got no queen.

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr colin, who loves making a din, he thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, that's not what everyone shows, about his life he ploughs and ploughs, about his dog bella and his relation-ship woes... mr colin, we do not care, when you speak, our minds are not there, your life you have unnecessarily shared, when we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr colin, rumbling about his exceptions, just when someone puts something in the bin, or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, but Mr Colin, drinking too much gin, will flail all his annoying attention on him, he'll push his limits, right to the rim... And just how i love flan~ Oh he's finally gone~

@DreamBlue

A America bully goes up to a English kid and says "your ugly" and the English kid says "well wanna know why you can't play Jenga?" "Why" says the bully "beacuse you haven't got a tower.

America: Saying, “ I beg your pardon” in British English is like saying; “ What did you say to me you orphaned big forehead shitty ass small dick bitch?”

UK: You Americans are so fucking rude.

America: Oh Im SoRrY mIsTeR fAnCy PaNts 👖

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair." Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? What comes after 69? Mouthwash. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!" Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough. —Pluto Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you." What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out." What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?" How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "Beat it. We're closed." A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!" What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts." What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!" What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? "It's not what it looks like." How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!" What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

„You’re not going to have time to finish this,“ the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet. „Yes I will,“ replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

„No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.“ The student looked incredulous and angry. „Do you know who I am?“

„No, as a matter of fact I don’t,“ replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. „Do you know who I am?“ the student asked again. „No, and I don’t care,“ replied the professor with an air of superiority. „Good,“ replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

To whoever @heil dem anfuhrer is hope you know I can’t understand what you’re saying. So next time you get on an American web site please speak English and I don’t speak whatever European language that is😊

i once called a depressed guy why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone (im not englishs so i could've talked bad)

Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London ?

All the exit signs were in English

Where’s the English Channel?” Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”

Why are the English so bad at chess? Bc they lost their queen.