Eating jokes
Three men were in a desert. One man was holding a jug, the 2nd was holding a paper bag, and the last was holding a car door. A man came around and asked the 1st why he had a jug. He said it was his water and if he got thirsty, he would take a drink.
Then he asked the second why do you have a paper bag? The guy said this is my packed lunch, so if I get hungry, I will eat my lunch.
Then he asked the last man why he has a car door and he said if he got hot he would roll down the window.
People are like bean burritos. You can eat them EVERY DAY, but you'll never run out.
Ok, so, a mole goes up to a snail and eats him.
It was a seven course meal if I say so myself.
Yo' mama sometimes always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: "Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I can't eat clam chowder no more. I gotta see the cyborg menu, you understand?"
Yo' mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.
Are you a Chipotle bowl? Because I wanna eat you out.
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.
What do you call a weak, beta, tall and dumb kid? A banana.
But if you're vegan, you call him food.
If you're poor, you eat the skin.
What do you call a cow eating grass?
A Lawn Moo-er.
Me and my mom order Chinese food.
My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."
Your mom is so stupid, she thought eating ass was cannibalism.
Why do the French eat snails?
They don’t like fast food!
I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys...
Huh, I don’t recall ever eating a monkey!
Why does my mum eat carrots?
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night, with a terrible fright, to find out his dream had come true.
God creates a wasp :)
God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.
Angel: okay... a bug.
God: now give it's face a sword, but it has a hole so it's basically a mouth.
Angel: weird.. but okay...
God: and give it wings.
Angel: eh, not half bad Go-
God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS
Angel: *shook* o-okay
God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.
Angel: . - .
God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give 'em a taste 'o that! *evil grin*
Angel: *cries*
Angel: *whispers; I'm so sorry..*
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.