Eating jokes
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.
What do you call a weak, beta, tall and dumb kid? A banana.
But if you're vegan, you call him food.
If you're poor, you eat the skin.
What do you call a cow eating grass?
A Lawn Moo-er.
Me and my mom order Chinese food.
My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."
Your mom is so stupid, she thought eating ass was cannibalism.
Why do the French eat snails?
They don’t like fast food!
I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys...
Huh, I don’t recall ever eating a monkey!
Why does my mum eat carrots?
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night, with a terrible fright, to find out his dream had come true.
God creates a wasp :)
God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.
Angel: okay... a bug.
God: now give it's face a sword, but it has a hole so it's basically a mouth.
Angel: weird.. but okay...
God: and give it wings.
Angel: eh, not half bad Go-
God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS
Angel: *shook* o-okay
God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.
Angel: . - .
God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give 'em a taste 'o that! *evil grin*
Angel: *cries*
Angel: *whispers; I'm so sorry..*
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.
Ever wonder why pandas are endangered? Well, China's overcrowded, and therefore they're starving. They have to eat...
Panda: "My god. They're coming! Run! They're hungry! Run! Roll down the hill!"
Chinese People At Bottom Of Mountain With Spears: "Ching chong wing bong KABOB!!!"
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.
He'll probably leave her alone now.
He doesn't eat vegetables.
What does Stephen Hawking eat?
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."
Catholic men say eating broccoli is like anal sex.
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day.