Dying jokes

I got jealous when my phone died.

I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.

I asked the emo at my school if he got jealous when his phone died.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana’s head before she died?

The steering wheel.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

You know why you never wanna fly with an orphan?

'Cause then they know they won't die alone.

What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

Why did Wilson die? Cuz he sucks!

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

You're so ugly that I choked and died.

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

Who can drink 20 liters of fuel without dying? A jerrycan.

Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?

Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.