A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."
A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says to another beetle, "Is this stool taken?"
I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Big tits.
Chuck Norris orders his coffee black, without water.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
A hand of Pepsi murdered a Coca Cola. An innocent Sprite yelled, "Quick! Call Dr. Pepper!"
Eventually, a 7-Up called Dr. Pepper. The Coca Cola was fine.
What goes in small and soft And comes out big and hard A tea bag
What do you call it when your dead because of that one drink in Panera bread? Panera dead
The coffee was getting mugged, so it called 911.
What do you call expired milk?
The Milky Way.
I have tried coke; it is not my cup of tea.
Got fired from the bank yesterday.
They caught me drinking on the job.
What's the king of all school supplies? A ruler.
What's a flower's favorite drink at the movie theater? Root Beer.
What's a cow's favorite place to go during his free time? The Moooovies.
A chicken walks into a bar.
He orders Dr. Pepper.
He then lays a good scrambled egg.
People are like tequila glasses,
you gotta shoot them down fast.
