Drink jokes

One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted.

The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing."

"What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun.

"Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.

What is an army member's top drink?

WARter.

A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

If a bird flies, and a duck can also run and fly, while a cat walks, why do we drink water?

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."

What's a boxer's favorite drink? A punch. 🥤🥤

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Big tits.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says to another beetle, "Is this stool taken?"

I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

Chuck Norris orders his coffee black, without water.

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

A hand of Pepsi murdered a Coca Cola. An innocent Sprite yelled, "Quick! Call Dr. Pepper!"

Eventually, a 7-Up called Dr. Pepper. The Coca Cola was fine.

What goes in small and soft?

And comes out big and hard?

A tea bag.