DoS jokes
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two Wrights make?
The first airplane.
Do your buses run on time?
No, they run on diesel.
How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.
Memes
What do you call an Asian prostitute?
Suck Mi Dong.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Do you know Putin?
Put in these balls in your mouth.
What do you call disabled people that follow politics?
A special interest group.
What do you call two Mexicans fighting? Juan on Juan.
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
What do planets like to read? Comet books!
Why do orphans hate milk? Cause their family is still shopping for it!
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."
"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.
The boy answered, "It's Michelle."
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...