What do planets like to read? Comet books!
What do you call two Mexicans fighting? Juan on Juan.
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.
So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
Do you know Putin?
Put in these balls in your mouth.
What do you call an Asian prostitute?
Suck Mi Dong.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
Why do orphans want to be communist?
So they would have a motherland.
What do you call an emo filming their suicide?
America's Funniest Home Videos.
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.
Q: What do you call an orphan's family tree?
A: A stump.
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
Why do orphans have water in their cereal?
Because their dad never came home with the milk.
Why do orphans hate milk? Cause their family is still shopping for it!
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
Suicide Squad!
