How do you win an argument against an emo?
Kick the chair!
What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!
If a fly loses its wings, is it now a walk? Wait a minute, I found out a mind blower. So the 🌎 is the 3rd planet from the sun, doesn't that mean all countries are called the 3rd country of 🌎? If I get 10 likes, I'll do one mind-blowing fact daily.
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
What do you call a sophisticated American?
A Canadian.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
What do depressed kids and sloths have in common? They both hang from trees.
Why do orphans play Sims?
Because they can make themselves a family.
How do you start a school shooting at a black school?
Call the cops.
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not coming anyways.
Why do orphans hate dodgeball?
Because nobody misses them.
How do you punish a blind guy?
You leave a plunger in the toilet.
What do you call a Chinese person with no legs?
Lim Ping.
Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"
Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"
