Dont jokes
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
Why don’t mountains catch colds?
They wear snow caps.
What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?
They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."
Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?
Because every time they scan, it scans twice.
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?
Because Muslims don't like pigs!
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."