Dont jokes
Don't you hate it when you sit on your balls? It's a real nutcracker!
How to tell your kid is adopted? Hi Daisy, let's play a game called "You're adopted!" I will start: Your mum died so I had to adopt you, but don't think I love you because you were the only kid there, haha!
Orphan: I'm hungry.
Dad: Let's go to KFC.
Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!
Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes
What's the difference between crazy people and regular people?
We don't live in their heads.
Tell me a joke about my hairline.
No, because he don't got one, feel like Donald Trump, it don't move.
Why don't gays shop at sports authority?
They prefer Dick's.
Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.
Normally the reason you don't get a knife when you ask for one is because the person you asked is emo.
How many victims does Shaw have?
We don’t know yet. It’s four years and counting.
Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.
Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?
Kid: I don't know.
Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.
Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.
*Officer arrests Elmo*
Elmo: But who wants tickles?
One orphan said, "Daddy, chill." I was like, "You don't have a dad!"
Why don't chickens and sheep get along?
Because they have beef between them.
We need to stop with all the discrimination here! I don’t discriminate! I love all races, even the bad ones, I’m a fan of all genders, even the fake ones, and am a fan of all nationalities, even the alien kinds.
Q: Knock, knock? Who’s there? A: Boo. A: Boo who? Boo who? Don't cry, it's just a joke!
So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.
I said, "No, they don't have double doors."
Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
I don't know, but it's coming for the towers.
Why don't orphans play GTA?
Because they're sad they don't get wanted!
You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.
But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?