Dont jokes
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I became anti-furry because I don't want Doom Slayer after me.
It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.
Roses are red, violets are blue, don't look in my backyard, or I will come for you.
You are so adopted that you don't have a home button on Google Maps.
What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.
How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
What’s the difference between orphans and cars?
I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.
My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
"If we don’t have a strategy, then the enemy will never know our strategy."
-Sun Tzu, Art of War.
My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.
Why can't orphans watch PG?
They don't have any parental guidance.
Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?
What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.
P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.
Why don't orphans get dad jokes?
Because they don't have a dad to tell them.
The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"
The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"
The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"
The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"
The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"
Hey guys, I have a question.
Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."