DOE jokes
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
What do an orphan's father and Nemo have in common?
They are both nowhere to be found.
What type of camp does a kid with ADHD go to?
Concentration camp.
What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?
They both have something hanging in their closet.
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Memes
What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
What does the hare say to the other hare? You look nice with your hare cut!
What do furries and fast food lovers have in common? They both love hot dogs.
What does a slave owner use to buy slaves? A Master Card.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What does a blind man say when he passes the fish market?...."Hello ladies!"
Hot women with big boobs work at Hooters, but where does a handicap woman work?
IHOP.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.
Why does China have the biggest eyewear?
Because all their eyes are too small.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.