DOE jokes
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.
What Spider-Man movie does an orphan like? Homecoming.
Prank phone calls. I did this prank last week. I picked the not so big businesses and places to do prank phone calls: Burger King, JCPenney's, and neighbors. I will tell you what I said.
Me: "Hello, this is... Zariana and I am from New York." Burger King staff: "Well we work in Florida." Me: "Good, now I want a large cake with some salad... with some eggnog... and some baby food." Burger King: "We don't serve any of that, ma'am." Me: "And I want it to go, please!" Burger King staff: "Sorry ma'am, we don't ha-" And I hung up on him right before he could say "have." Now JCPenney's ordering.
Me: "Hello, this is Trina from South Carolina." JCPenney's register: "Yes, what can I do for you, ma'am?" Me: "Excuse me?" JCPenney's register: "I was asking if there is anything you need help with, ma'am." Me: "Sorry, I can't hear you... what!" JCPenney's register: "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER, MA'AM?" Me: "I still can't hear you! Say that again!!!" JCPenney's register: "Ma'am, can you hear correctly?" Me: "YES, I CAN... NOW YOUR GOING TO BODY SHAME THEN I WILL GIVE YOU A 1 STAR RATTING!!!!!!" JCPenney's register: "No ma'am, I was just saying tha-" Hung up.
Next one was on my neighbors, Mrs. Jarkinson. Me: "Hello, sorry to bother you, but do you know what this word means: fhermkrekm?" Mrs. Jarkinson: "What, who is this?" Me: "Ummm... Mrs. Keris!" Mrs. Jarkinson: "So what does what word mean again?" Me: "fnjfnjrfnjr!" Mrs. Jarkinson: "What!!!" Me: "fnjefnj" Mrs. Jarkinson: SO SORRY WHAT!!!!!!! Me: "Never mind!" Hehehe! Hung up on her now Mr. Morris.
Me: "Hola Sr. Morris, que pasa?" Mr. Morris: "Sorry, what, I don't speak Spanish!" Me: "Está bien ... di que no me hagas caso, ¡solo necesito ayuda!" Btw I used a translator app and I learned really quickly! Mr. Morris: "What does that even mean!" Me: "Sí señor, veo dónde está su cabeza, pero ¿cómo se hace algún libro? ¿Me parece muy difícil? Jejejeje!" Mr. Morris: WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN THOUGH!!! Me: "No señor, no se rinda en el primer intento de ballet! Debería ser fácil ... di de qué te quejas? Oh sorry I have to go!" Mr. Morris: "Wait, but what does tha-"
I bet you're wondering how I got these phone calls remembered, well I recorded them! I don't know how but I did. Btw not Spanish just learned really quickly.
When a lady gets married, what does she borrow?
She borrows her husband's last name.
Women are so scary. Does anybody know what is wrong with them?
When does a pentagon only have 4 sides?
When a plane hits it.
Why does New York have the Jets as their football team if those are what took out the Twin Towers?
How does an orange 🍊 go into a crowded restaurant?
By squeezing his way in.
What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?
They are all insane comebacks!!!
What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?
Yours.
Why does the orphan go to church? He needs someone to call father.
In chess, why does the queen have more mobility than the king?
Because the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor.
Does your shoe have a hole in it?
No.
Then how did you put your foot in it?
Why does Trump play Minecraft?
'Cause he can build walls.
Why does Trump "not" wear glasses? Because he's got 20/20 vision!
Why does Donald Trump love little boys? Because his hands look massive when he’s holding their tiny little prepubescent cocks.
What does the F in "orphan" stand for?
"Family," but there is no F.
🤔 What do gay men who are physically handicapped ♿ can do better than a man who is heteroflexible when 🤔 he has another man's 😍 😋 😜 😏 😳 😉 cock inside 😋 of his warm mouth 👄 👄 give a 👍 👍 good blowjob?
Why does the emo hate Christmas?
The ornaments get hanged, and they don't.
What does e equal?
I don’t know, a bunch of random numbers, but e=mc2.