Doctors Jokes

What do priest and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

There is a man in the hospital the power went out and the man was stabbed to death, there are three witnesses, the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who was at the vending machine, who killed the man? The mom did because you can’t use a vending machine when the powers out!

Michael Jackson goes to the doctor

Michael Jackson: Help doctor I've been shot. Doctor: I cant fix that but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says "I have some good news and bad news" so the patient says "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies "I have had to amputate both your legs" so the patent says "Well what is the good news?" the Doctor replies "I have found someone to buy your slippers".................

So a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on; Doctor: "so your wife she is paralyzed from the neck down" and as the doctor goes he says all the things the man must do for her like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says " why, WHY ME!" Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the mans ear and says " I'm just fuckin with u she's DEAD!"

Doctor: I'm sorry but your surgery will cost a lot of money. Buuuuuut what's this behind your ear? Oh it's still cancer

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

/Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" "To the morgue." "What? But I’m not dead yet!" "And we’re not there yet."

I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.

Doctor , Doctor, I feel like a pair of Curtains ! what 's wrong with me! calm down calm down Just pull yourself together

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Patient: Good news! Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is

You respond: cancer

Doctor says: well what a coincidence!

Mother: How is my little cookie 🍪 doing?

Doctor 👩‍⚕️: Your cookie 🍪 is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor 👩‍⚕️: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

Doctor: you'll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?" Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."