I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because when they spawned in a Minecraft world, all they got was plains.
I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.
For 20 seconds.
And only once... :(
I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.
After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
I’m like an escalator because I’m always letting people down.
Bin Laden promised 76 virgins to Al-Qaeda.
Instead, there was one 76-year-old virgin.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding only half a worm.
Life is like giving head... it always sucks.
There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".
At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
I tried to high-five a tree. It left me hanging.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.
GF: What do you think of our love?
BF: Count the stars in the sky.
GF: Aww... It's infinity!
BF: Nope. It's just a waste of time.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
Stop complaining. Pedophile jokes are pretty funny, but to say there are over 100 of them only to have repeats of the same joke told by different people is very disappointing.
Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.
