Die jokes
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
I went into a dark basement with a flashlight, but then it died, but I was not scared. I was actually delighted.
So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.
But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."
So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.
This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.
Operation failed in North Korea, the surgeon died.
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.
You're an orphan and blind. You have cancer. You will die in 3 days. Merry Xmas!
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.
Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."
When people are ready to die for their country:
Trust the Unionist Party.
Better than Reform.
Don’t you hate it when your teacher(s) say, “just focus, it’s that easy?”
And then you die inside.
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.
He shouts “you stupid cunt!”
The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”
Dodi replies...:
“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."
What's the similarity between an orphan and my dick?
They both will die alone.
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
Dying mall be like...
"Toys" were us.
Goodbye, kitty.
Dying Canes.
What do you get when you die in Undertale and go to Temmie Village?
DeterMIENATION
I heard this was a really popular funeral home. People are dying to get in.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To die.
This kid was going to sleep and he said, "Night, Mum. Night, Dad. And night, Grandma, and bye, Grandpa." The next morning, Grandpa died, and the next night he said, "Night, Dad. Night, Mum. Night, Grandma." Grandma died the next morning. The next night he said, "Night, Mum, bye, Dad," and they heard the postman died because he was the dad, lol.