Die jokes
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
You were sad because your grandmother died.
The next day, you were washing your face, and you realize sadness made your face BLUE.
Did you know that if you die you can still be a part of family game night!
All you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass, and the games that use hour glasses, well, you will be a part of family game night.
Mom: Remember, you can tell me anything.
Abbie: I had sex with dad.
Mom: Go die in a hole!
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why did Ten die?
It was between 9/11.
What time is it when you get hit by a car? Time to die.
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?
The second hour is free.
Race car backwards is race car.
Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
North Korea and the Martians were fighting about who was going to reach Venus first.
Trump steps in and says, "That doesn't matter, America is going to land on the sun first."
The Martians and North Korea said, "You can't land on the sun, it's too hot and you will die."
Trump said his brilliant plan, "America is going to land there at night."
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.
If the US ate chicken, it would die.
How did Stephen Hawking die? Because he didn't charge his batteries.
How did Stephen Hawking really die?
His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!
Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.
There was a dude, he was like, "Yo dawg, you wanna die?" I said, "What is this, Friday the 13th?"