Die jokes
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
How do we get a butt? God made us like that, and we can't change it. If you wanted to, you have to die <:
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
The reason Stephen Hawking died was because he switched WiFi routers from Sky to Virgin, so his computer lagged out.
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?
A. Nothing, they both die at ten.
My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.
Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.
Friend: What kind?
Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.
Friend: That's not funny..
Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.
Friend: I'm calling your mom.
Me: She knows.
Friend: What's she doing to help, then?
Me: She's supposed to help?
Friend: Have you told your dad?
Me: I will when he comes back.
Friend: Where is he?
Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.
Friend: ....
Me: What?
Friend: Why?
Me: Why what?
Friend: Why would you joke like that?
Me: I was joking..
Friend: I know.
Me: Oh. I didn't know.
Friend:...
Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...
This kid was going to sleep and he said, "Night, Mum. Night, Dad. And night, Grandma, and bye, Grandpa." The next morning, Grandpa died, and the next night he said, "Night, Dad. Night, Mum. Night, Grandma." Grandma died the next morning. The next night he said, "Night, Mum, bye, Dad," and they heard the postman died because he was the dad, lol.
Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
Stephen Hawking did not die; he deleted himself.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
I’m going to be scared of diesel.
I love dccfffghyyhh.
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
Mom: You can't die in the living room, David, so you can stop stabbing and shooting yourself.
David: I will surpass Kakarot!
Jordan: *dead on the living room floor*
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.