Didnt jokes
Why didn’t Steven Hawking go to heaven? Because it was a stairway, not a rampway.
I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.
My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
Whenever you think back to 9/11 and realize there are 12 hours in front of us, why the f*ck didn't they warn us?
Why didn't the chair cross the road? Because it was a chair.
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.
Teacher and kid.
Kid: Hey, teacher.
Teacher: Yes?
Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.
There are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens. How many didn't?
A - 10
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.
Why didn't the rooster cross the road?
Because he was a chicken!
What did the knight say to his younger brother? "Good night."
You expected a silly pun there, didn't you? That's pretty rude. It makes light of the struggles of being a knight. Especially a good knight.
Why didn't Sally get home from work?
She got hit by a bus.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Stephen Hawking didn't die, he just uploaded himself to the 'net...
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."