Dick jokes

"My dick fell off in the shower!" suddenly a bright flash of white lights. You see God smiling at you. "Joseph, where is your wiener, little one?" He says, chuckling lightly.

Being a hooker shouldn't be illegal.

It's like having an Airbnb for your dick.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

Why did the female dicktator get fired? She had too much dick!

So this is how I got divorced.

On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

Fancy playing rodeo sex?

"OK then," she said!

Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!

I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.

Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.

McDonald's was originally called "Mac and Dick," so, if you think about it, you could be enjoying a Big Dick instead of a Big Mac.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

Riddle me this, Batman, what's long, round, and has cum in the middle?

Batman: A dick.

Riddler: NO NO NOOO! It's a cucumber!

What's the difference between Monday and a dick?

They're not different. They're both unnecessarily long and hard.

What is a dirty minded Harry Potter fan's favorite spell before the deed? Dickus Embigus!

Stephen Hawking doesn’t have a dick; he has a microchip.

Bobby had 54 dicks (54).

He took 33 pills a month (5433).

Once he ran out of pills, he was left with 45 dicks (543345).

(Flip the calculator once you got the full number. 543345! He's got a lot!

What's the best cheese in the world?

Dick cheese.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

Have you heard of China...

China fit this dick in your mouth.

6 looks like someone facing up.

9 looks like someone facing down.

69 looks like 2 people sucking each other's dicks.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

1 like = 1 small dick whiny conservative in my blender.