Dick jokes
What's the best cheese in the world?
Dick cheese.
What's the difference between a dick and a cannon?
Your dick shots longer.
What's the difference between Monday and a dick?
They're not different. They're both unnecessarily long and hard.
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
If Uranus was a dick, then why do they make Uranus?
Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!
Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.
Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.
Suck my dick!
(Ron Jeremy)
Chuck Norris' dick is so big that it has its own dick. And his dick's dick is still bigger than Bruce Lee.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick!
What do you call a rude math teacher with a lisp?
A mathive dick.
An alien walks into a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him, and the alien touches his shoulder.
The man says, "Do that one more time and I'll run you over." The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says, "Do that again and I'll chop your dick off." He touches him again. The man pulls the alien's pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.
In response to a buddy saying they joined a golf club:
"Jfc, you’ve gone softer than your old man’s dick after your mom suggests a romantic night in! I swear to God you’re so fucking bougie."
(Pause)
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, while you were gone I got a weird call for you... Some Jeff guy? Said something about a loan..."
"Jeff who?"
"Bezos."
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".
He probably picks hair off his dad’s dick, then probably puts it in his hair.
What do gay men like to suck each other's bananas because they like the ice cream filling?
I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.
What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?
My dick.
Why do gay men want to eat each other's meat because meat is meat, and man has to eat meat?
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
How do you f**k a sheep?
Put your d**k in it and face it off the cliff edge. It'll keep going backwards as you push forwards.