Dead jokes

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

What do you call an Indian person who is not starving? Dead.

Why doesn't Helen Keller's boyfriend like having sex with her?

'Cause she just lies there like she's dead.

"Russian" twists into a ditch, dead!

A dead Russian is Trump's accountant.

What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?

Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.

Teacher: What do you want when you grow up?

That depressed kid in class: Dead.

The emo kid wanted a high five. I left him hanging, so did the tree.

Q: What did one snake say to the other?

A: Nothing because they are both dead.

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

My name is Gunter.

Gunter Gunter is dead.

Gunter Gunter stuffed my cat's head. ;D

Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

Gvido gubis.

How do skeletons make love?

They bone each other!

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you. Only if you knew how much I liked you. But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were Heather. Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder. But how could I hate her, she's such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. I wish I were Heather. Oh, I wish I were Heather. Oh, oh, wish I were Heather. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were-

Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead!

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white...? A dead nun rolling down a hill.