Dead jokes

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

Stephen Hawking's not dead, he is just in airplane mode.

Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?

Timmy is dead.

Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!

Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."

Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."

*Operator hears a distant gunshot*

Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"

Where did Sally go when she went in the minefield?

Everywhere.

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."

Y'all is ugly!

What do you sing on a dead person's birthday?

"Happy Death-Day To You!"

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

What's worse than finding one dead baby in a bin? Finding one dead baby in five bins.

Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.

What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...

If museums are full of dead things...

Then why aren't there any memes inside them?

You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.