Dead jokes
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
My dick is red.
Your pussy's pink.
It's really tight
When you're dead.
A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.
Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.
The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,
The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"
What do you call a dancing cow that dies while dancing?
Dead mooves.
What’s bad about swinging a dead baby above your head?
Stopping it with the shovel!
What do my baby and dinosaurs have in common? They are both dead.
Is Stephen Hawking a physicist now?
No, because he is dead.
"Sing in music lesson"
"I want to die, I want to die, I want to choke myself, break my neck and die."
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
Stephen Hawking isn't dead, he's just can't walk to the shop and get new batteries. 🙄
An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
What type of apple grows on a tree?
All of them.
Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
X: Morning, sunshine!
Y: Oh, yeah. 30 minutes more.