What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
Dead Jokes
Stephen Hawking isn't dead, he's just can't walk to the shop and get new batteries. 🙄
An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
What type of apple grows on a tree?
All of them.
Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
X: Morning, sunshine!
Y: Oh, yeah. 30 minutes more.
What's terrible? Three dead babies nailed to one tree.
What's worse than that? One dead baby nailed to three trees.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."
Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while I'm doing it.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
What does Vin Diesel eat for dinner?
Survival Guilt.
When your husband can’t afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.
When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.
