What's the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?
About 5000 calories.
Stephen's not dead; his WiFi is slow.
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.
What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?
They're both crazy and now dead.
What do you call skeletons having sex?
When the relationship is dead, but you're still fucking.
what do u call security outside a samsung store guardians of the galaxy
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.
Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.
Stephen Hawking's not dead, he is just in airplane mode.
Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?
Timmy is dead.
Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
Where did Sally go when she went in the minefield: Everywhere.
So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"
The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"
Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."
YALL IS UGLY
What do you sing on a dead person's birthday?
"Happy Death-Day To You!"
