Dead Jokes

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

Boy: I'm dead.

Girl: Is that why you're so ugly?

Boy: No, I was just born this way.

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.

He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"

Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands?

Because he is DEAD.

What did the lampost say to the other lampost?

Nothing, because it can't speak.

Q: How do you make a fire?

A: Oil and dead babies.

What's the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?

About 5000 calories.

Stephen's not dead; his WiFi is slow.

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."

How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.

What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?

They're both crazy and now dead.

What do you call skeletons having sex?

When the relationship is dead, but you're still fucking.

What do you call security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

Stephen Hawking's not dead, he is just in airplane mode.

Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?

Timmy is dead.

Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!