Dark Humor

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. That sucks when you are adopted.

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.

What’s the difference between broccoli and little girls?

I don’t like the taste of broccoli.

My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.

I drove by the gun shop the other day and everything was half off for back to school.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can't have medicine on an empty stomach.

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.

Why does New York have the Jets as their football team if those are what took out the Twin Towers?

I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

What did the titanic say as it was sinking?

I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Orphans and Chinese people can’t play baseball. The orphans can’t find home, and the Chinese kid will eat the bat.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

One stops sucking when you slap it.

What's a priest's favorite toy?

A mute little boy.