Walked in to a gun store, everything was half off.
I didn't know back-to-school shopping started.
What's harder than steel?
Michel Jackson in an orphanage.
Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
me: ok so let's get this straight.... cop: I'm not straight ok, now get in the car me: but I didn't do anything? cop: no me: so why are you arresting me then? cop: imma tell you a story me: oh no....... cop: I know, now come on. me: ok where? cop: my room. me: which room? cop: my bedroom me:😱im a girl cop:so am I, now get in me: but I'm 9 cop: I'm 59
me, calls the police* me: hey imma commit suicide! cop on the phone: please wait till we get there me: why, so you can then stop me? cop on the phone: no, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper...and we are all bord! me: ok, my house number is ********************* ok! cop on the phone: awesome! just a sec. whispers*** guys I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.
Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?
Because the Africans couldn't swim.
What did one depressed kid say to the other?
Hey, wanna hang together?
I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.
Speed.
Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"
Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
why is America bad at playing Clash of Clans?
because they already lost two towers
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
Me: You have terrible jokes.
Mum: Shows me a mirror.
How to get into politics?
Fail art school.
Q: Why can’t orphans be criminals?
A: They are not wanted.
A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.
The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"
