Dad jokes

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

Son: Dad, I'm gay.

Dad: I support you.

Son: I like you.

Dad: Get out and into my room!

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.

His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

Little Johnny was alone because Dad didn’t come back.

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

Your mama is so ugly! It took your dad 15 years to return from getting milk.

How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.

Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!

Dad: Uh...

*hides his rifle*

Dads are boomerangs, I hope.

Why do orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their dad.

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.

I like sucking the Twin Towers off, but then I forgot dad already finished the job.

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.

Dad: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Dad: Because you’re going to need them there.

Dad: You’re looking pretty sheepish.

Son: That’s too baaaaaad!

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"