Dad jokes

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

"Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got them all cut!"

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.

Where can you find the most dads?

Milk Island.

You're so fat when you told your mum and dad, even they laughed!

Your mom disrespected your dad when he saw your face.

I traveled through time to get my dad back.

I failed because I was 1e21 years off.

Your eyebrows run away like your dad.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Did you know your dad was a magician? He disappeared the second he saw your ugly ass face!

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

Your dad's Spider-Man because he's far from home.

Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

Your mama is so stupid.

Your dad said, "You're driving me crazy," so your mom handed him the keys and said, "You can drive."

I know everything about Walt Disney! How he died, how his mom and dad died, how his kids died, when he was born, where he was born, and how he was born. 😏

A "monster" that has 2 heads, 2 bodies, 6 feet, why am I not afraid of the "monster"? It's my dad riding a horse.