Dad jokes

What's the difference between you, your uncle, and your dad?

One didn't go in the closet.

So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

You better get used to having dry cereal cuz your dad ain't never bringing the milk back.

Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

White people can't say the N-word, but at least they can say, "Thanks for the warning, officer," and "Hi, Dad."

Kid: Dad, where do you work?

Dad: I.C.U.P.

Kid: HAHAHAH!!!! See you pee.

My dad is like a unicorn.

He's never here. :c

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

You look like your mom and your dad had a child.

What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

I remember when I saw my dad's penis for the first time.

I said, "Dad, don't text me shit like that."

You will find your dad that left to get the milk before your hairline.

The only thing the orphan learned from his dad is the hide-and-seek skill to hide for 18 years. He tried it out; now he has infinite milk.

Girl: "Dad."

Dad: "Do I love you?"

Girl: "I am a prostitute."

Dad: "Yes."

Woman 2: "Dad."

Dad: "Right?"

Woman 2: "I'm a woman too."

Father: "God, do you love children?"

Boy: "Yes..."

Your dad's Spider-Man because he's far from home.

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.