Dad jokes

Dad joke time:

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

"When your mom is pregnant and your best friend learns dad jokes."

Me:.....

Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.

Son: Dad, what's dark humor?

Dad: Do you see the guy over there with no arms?

Son: No, I'm blind.

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.

This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

What's the difference between herpes and my dad?

Herpes stays around.

I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

Hey guys, Billy has this weird disability where when he has sex with someone, he says their name really loud.

Billy: Hey guys, I just got back from my DADS!!

Wait, what Billy?

A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"

His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."

The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"

"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."

The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."

The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."

"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."

Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.

Son: Okay, I'll do it!

5 hours later...

Son: I'm done!

Dad: I lied.

Son: So did I!

My dad is nice!

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?

My dad is now a milkman.

Now I have over 50 brothers and sisters.

I told an orphan his dad is Spider-Man: Far From Home.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.