Dad jokes

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

What is the difference between your dad and a video game?

Your dad doesn’t beat you.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?

He didn't come back with the milk.

What do you call a person who keeps making jokes about rappers?

An annoying prick whose black dad left him as a kid.

What's one thing your dad shares with black men? Your sister.

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?

Me & my dad!

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

Having homosexual parents must be terrible.

Either you have a double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in a cycle of "go ask your mom".

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.