Dad jokes

A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"

"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.

"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"

"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"

Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

What is the difference between your dad and a video game?

Your dad doesn’t beat you.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?

He didn't come back with the milk.

What do you call a person who keeps making jokes about rappers?

An annoying prick whose black dad left him as a kid.

What's one thing your dad shares with black men? Your sister.

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?

Me & my dad!

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

Having homosexual parents must be terrible.

Either you have a double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in a cycle of "go ask your mom".

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.