Crime

Crime jokes

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A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

I don't got a pencil or pen in this bookbag. Added like ten to the clip 'cause it look bad. Don't give a fuck if you pissed, nigga, get mad. Or you can bitch and get killed with your bitch ass. Lil' bro got blood on his shirt with his Crip ass. Go write a diss and get murked, don't do shit ass. Bitch, I'm a star, I might burst with my stiff ass. Hop out the car like, "Who want it? Who with that?" I don't know nothin', I was gone when they did that. Bandana wrapped where my chrome and my wig at. If he want beef, hit his home with a Big Mac. Niggas be breakin' the code like a Kit-Kat. Runnin' your mouth like a ho get you bitch-slapped.

What is the difference between R Kelly and Kelly Clarkson?

R Kelly hits on preteens, Kelly Clarkson hits on toddlers.

Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.

Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.

Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!

Banker: I have the right to take your money!

Me: Check my name.

Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?

Banker: *realizes*

Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

Here’s what I did to the kids at the orphanage. I dropkicked 12, lit 10 on fire, comboed 9, punched 3, and murdered 1.

October 1, 2017 is when the Mandalay Bay became the Mandalay spray. Thank Steve for that.

Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.

Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."