Comparison jokes
Yo mama is so fat that she's bigger than the cinematic Marvel Universe.
What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist? A suicide bomber actually does something when triggered.
Why use Heathrow when we have your forehead?
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is gigantic, the other is just a little lighter.
What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?
Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.
What's the difference between your dad and a boomerang?
The boomerang comes back.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner? You have to turn them on before they start to suck.
What's the difference between a pig and a police officer?
The pig smells better.
What’s the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?
Only one came out of the chamber.
I got the new phone with longer lasting battery, but it still lasts longer than your relationships, ooooooooooo!
An orphan is like marriage. The kid is always the reason for divorce. The kid is always the reason for his parents leaving him.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
What is red and looks like a zebra?
My arm. Hehhehehehe UwU
What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?
Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.